February Movies

Every year the worst movies come out in February. I don’t know why or how, but it needs to stop. Here are some theories:

Seeing The Vow means you have taken one of celibacy

Theory 1: Gender Divide

Because of the Super Bowl, uncreative chick flicks flock to the big screen so the ladies have something to do while the gentlemen get their glutton on.

Theory 2: Pain Killers vs. Real Solutions

The holiday’s are over and no one believes in New Years resolutions anymore. Anything to get you through the winter (see: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance).

Theory 3: Off Season

 It’s not going to be a blockbuster. It’s not going to win an Oscar because award season is too far away. So lets just give people thoughtless movies about guns or romance because the stakes are so low.  Once again, the regular folks suffer.

Here are some January and February gems Hollywood has given us:

THE VOW (Winter 2012)

Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. She gets amnesia and has to remember how to love her husband all over again. Just so real. Every time Channing Tatum gets his lines right the producers feed him a banana. 

WANDERLUST (Winter 2012)

Buncha Hollywood blandbots. Paul Rudd and Jennifer Anniston trying to spice up their sex life while traveling: about as interesting as that girl on facebook who posts pictures of her and her boyfriend in Europe. No one can masturbate to that: facebook is for creepers, not happy couples. I would almost rather watch a Nicholas Cage flick.  Almost.

THIS MEANS WAR (Winter 2012)

It has Reese Witherspoon, need I say more. I don’t, but I will:  Her movies on Rotten Tomatoe average 45 percent. She’s not interesting, has no sex appeal, and if she wasn’t an actress would be a full time soccer mom. What demographic does this woman appeal to? Why isn’t Marion Cottilard in more movies, THAT is an actress.

DEAR JOHN (Winter 2010)

Dear God. Something about writing love letters to each other and staying in touch during Channing Tatum’s deployment. Here is a synopsis from the back of the Nicholas Sparks book:

“Returning home, John must come to grips with the fact that Savannah, now married, is still his true love—and face the hardest decision of his life.”

Truly gripping. In case you do not know who Nicolas Sparks is, he is the author responsible for “The Notebook” and all your failed relationships. Just look at the titles of some of his books:  The Choice, First Sight, The Wedding, The Rescue, A Bend in the Road, Message in a Bottle, The Best of Me…none of these are made up.

DEFINITELY MAYBE (Valentines day 2008)

Definitely crappy. I cannot remember the details; I think I left them in an old book from my childhood. If you truly love me you will find that book.  Come to think of it, I’d settle for a text message.

VALENTINES DAY(Valentines day 2010)

Not as bad as it looked. Not nearly as good as “He’s Just Not That Into You” but definitely no “Definitely Maybe”. Any movie with Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner arms in the same scene gets a pass.

NO STRINGS ATTATCHED (Winter 2011)

You may not remember this flick with the same name as an NSYNC album and plot of 900 other movies. It’s about two good-looking people who just want a physical relationship but end up having feelings for each other. Someone get me a noose.

BRIDE WARS (Winter 2009)

Two best friends plan their wedding on the same day. Oh the DRAMA! Hilarity does not ensue.

27 DRESSES

Can’t even talk about this.

AND THE ULTIMATE WINTER CHICK FLICK

A WALK TO REMEMBER (Winter 2002)

 Still the funniest movie I have ever seen. That song “I’ll always remember”, the insecurities, the needing to be saved, the fear no one will accept you as you truly are, Mandy Moore. My friend Anna and I enjoyed being dragged to this so much we willingly watched it again. Here are some quotes

Landon (Shane West)

All I know is… you’re beautiful

Our love is like the wind… I can’t see it, but I sure can feel it

The runner up:

Landon: I’m sorry she never got her miracle.

Reverend Sullivan: She did. (Dramatic Pause) It was you.

And the winner:

Jamie(Mandy Moore): “You have to promise me one thing. You have to promise you won’t fall in love with me”

So ladies, next time a guy asks you to send him that memo make sure he promises you one thing: that he won’t fall in love with you. Thankfully there are other things winter gives us: the Grammy’s, the Oscars, Cadbury eggs, new episodes of all your favourite shows, March Maddness, and mainly an appreciation for better movies and sunnier days ahead. I am already looking for a catsuit to wear to The Dark Knight Rises which will be the greatest thing that ever happened. Unreasonably high expectations never disappointed anyone right?

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